In My Mind

If only I had the energy that I can feel in my soul. My mind plays tricks on me. For so many years, I could turn out work quickly. If I needed to clean the house in record time, I could do it. I once packed everything in our home in three days. I was always busy shopping for great deals, sewing clothes for our children, and baking up a storm.

In my mind, I really can’t turn off the desire to do all that again. I would love to plant a garden and take more trips with my grandchildren. No matter how much I believe I’ve accepted my limitations, my mind just automatically longs to be helpful.

It’s a little bit like looking in the mirror. At age 63, I still imagine myself as much younger. I remember how I looked in my best years, and am often shocked when I look in the mirror. Who is that lady staring back at me? I really don’t recognize myself, because I look totally different.

Part of my looks changing is being overweight. It truly changes my appearance. Having diseases that have inflammation as a symptom, my face is always puffy. My eyelids sag and am getting a few wrinkles.

I try to lose weight, but not hard enough. I just have to remind myself that I am what I am. Yes, I’m older and fatter. I can’t walk more than one minute without my repaired (talus) ankle throbbing. Exercise is really not happening, so I need to diet.

Do you get shocked when you look in the mirror? Do you wish for better days? I think everyone does, to a point. When living with many chronic illnesses, the mind wants to be in denial. Acceptance is usually a response that is often tested. It helps me to use this post as sort of journal.

I know that these things seem a little trivial when the world is in such chaos. When we feel stress from the outside, it can cause our inner thoughts to cope in odd ways. I’m someone who has nightmares and active dreams. So, I don’t know what my mind is going through.

My eye doctor told me yesterday that my double vision is a neurological issue. He was concerned that it was worsening. My neurologist is getting my records to see what the next steps should be. I hope that this doesn’t mean my brain tumor is growing.

There are many things that I’m praying about. My and my husband’s health problem’s are serious. I pray much for my family and things outside of my family.

The Bible affirms the power of prayer to bring comfort, guidance, and even healing. However, it doesn’t guarantee that God will answer every prayer in the way we desire. His will ultimately takes precedence. James 5: 15-16